It’s been a few years now since my D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder) has been brought to the surface and I still find my-self struggling to have meaningful relationships with others. Will people accept me for who am I? Can I really share my hurts, habits and hang-ups with others in confidentiality terms?
It’s at a point now where after spending so many years pushing people away for fear of rejection, trust, vulnerability and thinking that the more I expose my weakness to others, the more people wont like me, that some of my relationships have gone down the drain.
I’ve distanced my-self from people so much that I feel like I’m alone in life. Many days I isolate myself from the world to avoid getting hurt by others.
Sure, I have friends, the acquaintances I associate with today have come via way of Bible Studies, home fellowships, recovery groups, those I’ve met through Cross Fitness etc.
Yet there’s times out there where I feel like no one understands me but those in the D.I.D. Community. No one comprehends what it’s like to have a family of 40 people that make up my inner-world. I have a newborn child down to a man in his 30’s that resembles my perpetrator in every way.
Many days I walk around with a distorted view of the world around me. I question why my ‘normal relationships’ are non-existent? I question why the handful of people I’m friends with are never around. It’s like FINALLY after years of pushing people away I’m learning that God created us to have meaningful relationships with others, He (God) never wanted us to be alone in life.
Yet the more I reach out to people I get every excuse in the Bible as to why they don’t want to be around me. Is there something in me that attracts me to un-safe people? How does one even know the difference between a safe relationship and a toxic relationship? How much of my ‘story’ do I share in a friendship to begin with?
Time and time again I hear every reason as to why some one can’t commit to a few hours with me… let me check my calendar, let me check my appointment book and get back to you. Sorry, I can’t spend time with you because I’ve already made plans. If you want to spend time with you, you need to ask me 2 months in advance etc.
I’m tired of all the excuses, I know people lead busy lives… yet what I don’t get is that in my ‘normal relationships’ (those relationships with singletons) people seems to only be around when they need or want something from me. I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with meaningful relationships. How does one even know the difference between a relationship, friendship or an acquaintance?
For instance, I have a few friends I take the time to pray for them via e-mail, ask how there day is going, or I send them a word of encouragement during the week, only to get no reply back from them at all. Yet when they need a baby sitter, some one to drive them to a doctor’s appointment, they have a flat tire etc. I’m the first person they turn too. Does this sound familiar to any one else reading this entry?
It’s like the ONLY people who understand me are those in the D.I.D. Community. They get me, don’t take advantage of me and I don’t have to wear a mask. The DID Community helps me see that relationships come and go all the time and that I am loved, appreciated and truly cared about. The D.I.D. community helps me see that no one is entitled to anything but their opinion and that my opinion is worth sharing with the world. Thank you for letting me share.